Hi Dr Justin,
My wife and I are just a little concerned about our nearly three-year-old daughter’s behaviour. She has been laying down on her blanket which is placed around her genital area and almost looking like she is rubbing up against it.
We asked her why she was doing it and she replied with, “It feels nice.” My wife was shocked to hear this, as was I.
We have now take away the blanket which is not allowed out of her bedroom at all under any circumstances to try and prevent this from happening, however it was only yesterday she laid face-down on the floor with her hands there instead!!
We have told her that this is not the right thing to be doing and that she shouldn’t do it at all. I do understand her logic at that age that if it feels nice it’s OK to do, just like having her back scratched. What do we do now?
Dr Justin responds:
Masturbation, self exploration, or self stimulation are common in both boys and girls from a young age. Somewhere along the line our children discover that when they touch themselves in certain spots, it feels nice.
My first piece of advice is to be calm about this. I promise that, despite what your grandma may have told you, your daughter’s desire to touch her genital area will not make her blind, stunt her growth, or cause hair to grown on her palms. There is no reason to believe that this behaviour at this age will lead to any kind of sexual deviancy, addiction, or unhealthy outcomes.
My second suggestion is that you remember the old adage, “ignore it and it will go away.” This may be one of those behaviours that will extinguish all by itself. Three year-olds like attention and get it however they can! The more attention you give her, the more she’ll do this. Some children grow out of this type of behaviour all by themselves anywhere from age 3 through to age 7. If they don’t stop it on their own, their peers will let them know by the end of their early school years and this will typically be enough.
Here are some other helpful tips:
Understand why
Self stimulating, self exploration, and masturbatory behaviour can occur in children for a number of reasons. Sometimes children do it to self-soothe. If they are feeling anxious or frustrated about something, this behaviour can give them a sense of both control and pleasure. Other times they do it for one reason only: they like it.
While self stimulation is a normal behaviour for many children, it is more common in children who are on the autism spectrum, who experience ADHD, or who have other disabilities. Your email does not give any indication as to the developmental trajectory of your daughter, so this may or may not be relevant, but if you suspect it is possible, then you should consult with your GP or paediatrician for more information.
One more important note: according to the American Academy of Paediatrics (note, behind a paywall), while self exploration/masturbation are common among children and even more common in adults, if your child is doing this excessively, it may be a symptom of anxiety, lack of attention, or a need for emotional connection. If you’re worried, check with your GP.
Offer re-direction opportunities
Remember that nature abhors a vacuum. If her hands are free and she has nothing better to occupy them, she may go for her crotch as an automatic behaviour. Just like picking your nose, masturbation can become a habit when fingers are free. If you catch your daughter rubbing, or moving her hands into ‘position’, don’t mention the behaviour, but instead, re-direct her. You might invite her for a cuddle, play a game, throw her a stress ball, or bring her into the kitchen to chop up some veggies or help prepare for dinner (in a way that is age appropriate).
Avoid shaming
If you take blankets away, punish, or use other consequences, you may ultimately lead her to have unhealthy feelings towards pleasure, sexuality, and her body. In the worst case, she may actually begin to associate sexual feelings of pleasure with shame and guilt.
Talk openly and honestly
Your daughter doesn’t need the entire spiel about reproduction at age three. Save that until she’s about eight. However, it is entirely appropriate (and perhaps even necessary) that you explain to her that you have noticed she’s doing it, and that you know it feels good. You might share with her your concern that people might think it’s a bit rude to do that though because big people don’t touch their vagina or penis in public… and then problem-solve alternative behaviours for when she does feel like doing it. I am not in favour of forcing a stop to the behaviour. Force only creates more push-back from the child. But this might be a strategy that can highlight the issue without force, guilt, or shame.
At the risk of being blunt, being bothered by this behaviour in our little kids usually says more about us than it does about them. It is normal. She will grow out of it. And what matters most is that she is taught a healthy form of sexuality with appropriate limits, but without shame and guilt being tied to pleasure.